I’ve learned the hard way that self-respect doesn’t just form on its own. One either shapes it or lets the world shape it. As someone guilty of self-hate and self-judgment, I can now say with certainty where self-respect grows from.

We swell with pride when someone compliments us and feel small when someone says something degrading. What’s more infuriating is that we let these feelings seep deep into our psyche. It’s fine as long as these emotions or external stimuli remain on the surface. They can linger for a while, and we may even indulge in them sometimes. But it is foolish to let them truly affect us.

For the mind, self-respect forms and constantly changes based on what we feel about what’s happening to us. Quite contrary to the term itself, we don’t base it on how we feel about ourselves. When our opinion of ourselves isn’t strong enough, anything can shake it. It’s easy to forget to be mindful of where our self-respect stems from. Sadly, some of us aren’t loyal or strong enough to respect ourselves even when no one else does. If we aren’t careful—and if self-respect isn’t actively self-formed—the wrong things can take control and shape it for us. Living as mindlessly as many of us do, we come to believe those influences as truth.

I’ve realized that self-respect, for me, stems from how strongly I feel about the person I am—with all my achievements and flaws. It comes from how much I believe in myself, even when the tides change. From what I’d say about myself with confidence, even when no one is championing me. From never being okay with disrespect and being taken for granted. Yes, it’s important to mindfully regulate what and how we’re feeling. But I’m starting to respect myself for who I am and not constantly judge myself for everything I do, think, and feel—and I feel great.